Shit.

Yes, yes, I've thought about this blog. Mainly I've been ashamed, but my boyfriend also hasn't been to work in quite a while (vacation), and so he's here all day and knows what I've been eating.
But starting this week, I really want to do better. I feel horrible, like I've backtracked into the circle of fatness again. Not cool. 57,4!?

I'm trying to step down today, and I want to fast tuesday and wednesday. Thursday is study-day, so I'll have a little food with my coffee.

Today- Breakfast: Some whole grain crackers, about 170 kcals

Later-
Lunch: Tuna fish and lettuce
Dinner: Maybe some oatmeal or some vegatables or soup. One of them.

Short thinspirational post

My boyfriend surprised me by suddenly scooching in because he died in his game and was waiting to respawn. He saw that I googled "hip bones thinspo", and I didn't have time to do anything about it. He laughed and poked my fat love handles. I guess he doesn't understand-
he doesn't know anyway. I must not eat anything unhealthy or very carby tomorrow. Fruits and vegetables. A can of chopped tomatoes with spices in it for dinner. An egg for breakfast? Fruits for lunch.
Somethingsomething for supper...
I'll get better at blogging and post more pictures, too. Can hardly wait to get back on track again, I'm a little more motivated now.

People come in many sizes. Perfection comes in ONE.

I am a Bingeosaurus Rex. It's been horrible! It's getting harder and harder, because I make dinner for my boyfriend every day. We literally live in eachother's shoes here, and he notices when I don't eat. His ex was so thin, so skinny, and I think she might have been anorectic.
So even when I manage to fast one day, I might HAVE to eat the next and whoosh, I can't stop from bingeing.
But when he's admitted to the military in January, I'll be able to fast. As much as I want.
Not that I'm looking FORWARD to it, he's the best thing in my life. And I sort of feel a bit guilty for not telling him about my E.Ds, but then again I don't want him to pay attention to what I'm eating; too much or too little.

This is why I must go back to restricting and exercising, something I haven't done for a long time now. I'll have to spend some time this weekend to buy/make/plan out portions of food for the week to come. Sigh.
At least I ate less today than other past days. This:

-Some dried fruit
-A whole grain muffin
-An orange
-Melon yoghurt and granola
-Pasta, meat and chopped tomatoes. Not a lot.

Surprise

WHAT. I weighed this morning, expecting to weigh about as much as a little whale, but I'm less than yesterday. I purged last night, of course, like I could ever live with the dirty guilt of eating that much.
Now I'm 53,7, and my BMI is 20,7.

I want to fast today, but my motivation is pretty low. I'll try, and if all fails I'll have some negative cal vegetable soup or cucumber or something.
Thanks to Miana for offering to go on a lemon cleanse with her! (insert hearts here)
This monday I'm going to a dinner party, more specifically a "Tailgate chili pot party", so I'll have a pot of chili. Luckily, beans, tomatoes and meat isn't the worst and spicy food boosts your metabolism. After that I'll try joining the fast, but I'm afraid we're gonna go out drinking thursday or friday. But that shouldn't stop me. Besides, I don't need much to drink when I haven't eaten anything, and we're walking home which means calories burnt. It's a LONG walk.

Here, have some thinspo!










Stay strong!

If you believe in it, stand for it

I'm ready to take a stance here. I won't weigh until I feel like I've fasted enough for some time.
Want to know something stupid? I'm already dreading Christmas. My boyfriend, let's call him... Chris; wants me to come home with him for the holidays to meet his family. He keeps going on about all the food and how he can gain 5 kg only during the parties and such. But then he says he loses it all in a week or so. His metabolism is so unfairly high...
SHIT. I just realized his BMI is lower than mine if I don't get down from 55. Ew.
I want to be thin for x-mas. I don't want to gain. I don't want him to find out about my ED either.
Life sure can be complicated.

Another complicated thing: Chris' ex, who is by the way thin as a stick figure, wants to meet him this week. I trust him completely, it's HER I don't trust. She's a manipulative bitch is what she is. Grr.
But he says he thinks she'll be hospitalized. For what? I asked. He said he doesn't know, but I have a feeling he does. It's not in regular hospital though, it's in some sort of psych ward.
He also said "but that way she'll be out of the way, so, great." Huh.

Pathetic

FORGIVE ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE BINGED

Fucking hell, you all, I don't care about my DAD, but Ana, will you PLEASE FORGIVE ME?
I'm bingeing. I probably won't stop until I've bagged this bag of Lay's BBQ crisps either.
And I'm systematically watching films starring Rowan Atkinson. By God, I'm pathetic. But Rowan rocks.

I WILL fast for 2 days. Then I will have a bowl of Chili on monday. After that, I don't know yet. But I must resist this weekend. I might have a beer tomorrow with some colleagues from work at this fancy place. Also, I might have to borrow a fake ID for that, because the age is 20.
Back to my sad food affair, hope I'll do better. O woe is me, where did my motivation go!?