Self Pity

I'm ridiculous. I've been eating like crazy. When I weighed some moments ago I was 54. I hope this won't increase by tomorrow. But I won't eat anything else today.
I'm growing my wizdomteeth, and it hurts like crazy! But chewing also hurts, so all the more reason not to eat, I guess.
Also, I feel like I'm falling behind and skipping school WAY too much. But there's a 1 week break now, I suppose I'll try all I can after that. And I have to drop by work to see if I have any new shifts.

I need to remember this: My boyfriend is 63,5 kg.
Which makes me think, wow. Just wow. I've been at 62 before (HW). And I definitely want to be at least 10 kg lighter than him. He's not tall, actually just about 172 cm or something (I'm only 160 cm though, and I think he's perfect no matter what).
I need to DO this... I lost my motivation, and I really need it now.

I slept for 21 hours last night. I know. What. The. Fuck.
And I'm still so tired, so insanely tired! I kinda hope I don't have any shifts this weekend.

Day 5 - Just. Wow.

I almost feel like I don't deserve this. Seriously. I ate this Saturday at work and when I came home. I ate yesterday too. And what am I?

53,6


The scale said "Down 1,1". I've lost 3,5 kg, and my BMI's gone from 22,3 to 20,7.
I guess some of it is "thanks" to the high fever I've been having. Still, I'm excited. 3,6 left to go!
I'll be updating later.

Day 3,5 - Morning

Argh, this is really annoying, but I'll have to eat breakfast to get through those 6 hours of work, and I'm not feeling hungry at all. I won't eat anything at work or after though.
Since yesterday, where I only ate a few cucumber slices and drank some apple juice I lost... I'm too tired to remember, but I was 54,4 which brings the total weight loss to 2,7 kg since I started.

Day 3 -Still sick

I had to go home from school today because I still had fever and headaches. The upside is that I don't want to eat anything. I'm drinking some apple juice though. The downside, however, is that I NEED to go to work tomorrow or I can't afford my rent.
I guess I'll just pop painkillers like candy and bite the dust.
First time I weighed this morning, I was 55,9. Next time, after sleeping I was 55,2. Great.
I might have to eat something tomorrow to survive 6 hours in constant rushour at the coffeebar.
But only breakfast. No SECOND BRRREAKFAST (reference?) or lunch or anything else.

Weight loss since start: 1,9 kg.

Day 2

My internet shut down for about 2 days, but it's back now.
Day 1 went over okay, we went to the movies (saw "Inception" which was actually quite amazing) and I was almost forced to buy snacks. I got away with buying two large packets of "Dent's" which were about 90 kcals all in all, since I gave away some, and a diet coke. No fat or sugar. I was 56,3 that morning, meaning I lost 0,8 kg.

Day two kind of sucked, because I got sick and had to eat something. Most of it came up almost by itself. I was down with a fever and slept for... infinite hours.

Day 1 - Rewind

There are remains, the corpse of a fudge brownie cake on my livingroom coffee table.
Mocking my past sins. I haven't been online for quite a while, and the tables have completely turned (but the brownie is still there...)

I'm back now. Hello Ana, my old friend, and hello YOU, my motivation and inspiration in the strive for a perfect body.
I'll lay it out for you: This June, I was this close to my ultimate goal weight, at least for round 1.
Now I've moved out of my parents' house, I've gotten everything I could ever wish for (in terms of non-body-stuff).
I was 50,7, ergo 0,7 kilos away. Silly girl. This morning I was 57,1 and it's time to fast again. I've been binging and purging (alas, without fingers) just about every day for so long now.

I'm living with the only person I ever fell in love with, and hey, he loves me back. This is partially why I haven't been able to fast and so on, along with the fact that I've been so demotivated.
But now I don't care anymore, this is for me. I want to stop feeling like he's out of my league, that he deserves someone thinner and prettier.

The first morning fasting, and I have a long way to go. This would be easier if I hadn't had such a physically demanding job like before, but to heck with it. I want to be.... 45.
Can we fix this? Yes, we can.

Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck, and I want to resist the urge.