I'LL BE BACK

I've started to gain the right mentality again. I know I've been absent for a long time, and I know that I won't be able to fully do this and post until January, around the 12th.
So If I haven't posted, that's why.

Day 1 - Fast kickoff! + thinspo

Because suddenly I got the motivation. Reason? A friend of mine wanted to do a fashion shoot with me, like several times before. But this time, I want to be pretty. Or prettier, a little bit anyways.
So I have to fast until friday, and it's been hard today. I really really want to eat, but I WON'T.
And I have to make dinner for my boyfriend later. Burgers... Let's say it's yucky and disgusting.
Tea and diet coke, I guess...
It's a 4,5 day fast, really. I should be able to. If everything goes to hell in gym class I'll have a green apple and a sugar free red bull. The reward for completing the fast will be homemade pizza on friday after the shoot. So I have something to work towards.

Today I've been drinking coffee with a best friend I really haven't had the chance to talk to at all lately. We also went window shopping. Ah, I wish I was made out of money.
And I got my trig test and evaluation back. Frankly it sucked really bad. I'd estimate it to be a C, I think...

Ps: Hope you enjoy the b&w thinspo! Stay strong, everyone.

Pleasant Surprise

I actually hadn't gained this morning. I was 55,5.
I'm snowing in, here. And we have this teeny tiny oven that doesen't cover half the apartment.
Plus we're living on 10$ when it comes to food each day until payday. And when payday comes, I have to spend a lot on christmas presents.
Bleh, we people always find something to complain about. Apart from a few things, I really love my life. I love the friends I have, and the fact that I'm actually living with the one person I ever fell in love with (whom I persistently chased after for 3 years even though he hurt me (mentally, of course!) several times...), and he loves me back. Every day feels unreal, surrealistic, a dream.

Stay strong! I'm off to work.

Worries

Right now I'm being selfish, only posting on my own blog and not commenting on anyone elses. I'm doing a little better, I'm not going crazy bingeing at least. It's more than I could've said for a while now.
Also I'm losing weight, I was 55,6 this morning. I might've gained a little, but I don't think it'd be a lot.

I'm a little worried about my job. Not about getting fired or anything, I haven't done anything bad.
But I'm getting less shifts, and today my colleague called and asked if I could still cover for her tomorrow. I can (although I would want to stay at home being lazy, but I have to buy Christmas presents and the rent etc. too...), but she also mentioned something I couldn't quite catch because of bacground noise about the boss being reluctant to let me work on sundays (or was it saturdays?) for personal reasons. She didn't quite understand it, so that makes two of us. If there's a problem, I wish the boss would tell me personally.
There's a few things:

1) I haven't turned 18 yet (December child...) so I can't serve alcohol. Fair enough.
2) She won't let me do the closing up until I turn 18 because I messed up the first two times, on the cashiering settlement. I get that, it's fine.
3) Maybe I'm not efficient enough on the machine yet, but this is because I still need practice, and I can't practice on rush hour weekends, I'd make a line the length of the Thames!

So that's why I'm dreading work a little bit. I think. I'd also love to work at a smaller, more intimate café where the boss didn't intimidate me. Don't get me wrong, I adore the barista and coffee making part, but I just don't enjoy my environment very much. By GOD I really suck...

+ me and my boyfriend are living on serious minimum wage right now. Meaning beans on bread and instant noodles and tomato soup for dinner.


It's snowing outside! A lot. It's piling up already, and not just a little. It's very very cold where I live.

Coffee Thinspo

"Not as bad as I thought when I ate yesterday! I didn't eat a lot though, but still. I ate.

From 57,5 to 56,7..."

The above was all I managed to write yesterday. Today I was 55,9! I've been stepping down, but not fasting. Because I can't fast when I work, and if I fast for like 2 days I would go crazy when I had to eat breakfast before work.
Today I'm going to grab a coffee and study hard at the local library. Even though I'm not going to school until the last lesson because I'm sick. The only reason I'm going at all is that I have so much absence in this class that I might fail it.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Morning...

I'm such a great big fat failure. I need to get my mojo back, I need to!
It's so much harder to resist when someone is pushing you and practically waving food under your nose. And when he's the one person you can't live without and don't want him finding out about your crazy eating disorder, you cave in.
I do, because I'm weak now.
And I feel like I don't deserve him. Every day. He's being hit on about all the time by pretty and sexy thin girls, and here I am.

I'm still gonna try the fast today. I'm going to MAKE the fast today, it's just been so long that I'm rusty...
Updating at the end of the day, with thinspo.

Also: It's freezing here and I'm sick. Again...

Shit.

Yes, yes, I've thought about this blog. Mainly I've been ashamed, but my boyfriend also hasn't been to work in quite a while (vacation), and so he's here all day and knows what I've been eating.
But starting this week, I really want to do better. I feel horrible, like I've backtracked into the circle of fatness again. Not cool. 57,4!?

I'm trying to step down today, and I want to fast tuesday and wednesday. Thursday is study-day, so I'll have a little food with my coffee.

Today- Breakfast: Some whole grain crackers, about 170 kcals

Later-
Lunch: Tuna fish and lettuce
Dinner: Maybe some oatmeal or some vegatables or soup. One of them.